Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
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When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
where the womens at?
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.