I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
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when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes