Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
You Might Also Like
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
shampoo implies shampee
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
black phone good
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you