Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
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I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.