Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
selfie game
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge