A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
You Might Also Like
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.