Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
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we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop