[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
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thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.