Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
You Might Also Like
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds