When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
#dalle2