Spring cleaning checklist…
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Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach