*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
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[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
set yourself free xox
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.