“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
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My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.