me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
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GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.