Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
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nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did