He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
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I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.