[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.