One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
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If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I gave up going to work for lent.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.