I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I’ve been drinking.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
that wasn’t the question
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it