warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My neck my back my allergy attack
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.