Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
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[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t