nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman