You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.