Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
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DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.