turning my gender off to conserve energy
You Might Also Like
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.