Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
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I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
why isn’t he texting back
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup