If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.