The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
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[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
definitely did not do anything wrong
Strangers have the best candy.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.