Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
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The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
lol
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.