[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
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I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.