Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Love this one 😂🧟
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit