Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
wish me luck lads
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I like donuts.
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