I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
You Might Also Like
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.