“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it