Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
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“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
#milo
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled