doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
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snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
<- sleeps well with others
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Lmfaoooooo