gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
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On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”