Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
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Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.