If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
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*skinny dips into black hole
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
i love meeting boys on tinder
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest