Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
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Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.