Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
You Might Also Like
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
And then there were 4
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
The devil.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about