demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
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Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.