If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
You Might Also Like
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
lmao
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
2023 was just a warmup
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?