5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t