Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
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(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days