no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
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Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Morning.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead