I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
You Might Also Like
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.