Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do