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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.