I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.